Friday, June 9, 2017

How the Covert Narcissist Stabs You with Negative Comments

Negative comments that are intentionally made by an abusive person are hurtful. These little jabs, which can be seemingly small can destroy your self esteem and even damage your physical health without you realizing it. These covert soul-destroying comments are done by manipulative people who wish to make you to doubt yourself and to invalidate your experience. It's important to steer clear of negative comments meant to stab you by going no contact, having limited contact, or setting boundaries by speaking up for yourself.

Sometimes it is not so easy to notice negative comments, but they do still stab you and they do still hurt. If you're dealing with a sneaky, sly, intelligent covert narcissist, they will couch these negative comments in clever ways. The higher you get along your healing journey, the more educated you become, the more you rewire your brain to self love, the easier it becomes to detect these negative jabs and not take them personally.

When you know it's happening, you can externalize the insult, which is to not take it personally. When you know it's happening, you can take up for yourself... or at least know that it's not about you. It's about the narcissist and his or her need to tear you down because they need to feel superior. The toxic person NEEDS to make you feel bad because they are not embodied. They are driven by their false self to gain power and control. They have no true self so they want to snuff yours out like a vampire.

Here is a list of ways people can make covert negative comments that are meant to stab you, without doing it directly.

Making a negative comment about another person that you intuitively sense the person also feels about you. 

This happened to me for years until I finally realized it at the age of 41. There was a certain person in my life whom I loved and trusted dearly, and she would make negative comments about other people that related to my weakness or perceived weaknesses. She would also make positive comments about others related to my perceived weaknesses. This is negative validation; when a person validates areas of your own negative self esteem.  Not all negative comments are obvious, but they always jab you and bring you down

Turning on the light and seeing the truth for the first time is astounding. It's like you're living in the movie "The Truman Show." Suddenly you figure out that all these sweet and smiling people were manipulating you into a false reality. When you can see clearly in one relationship, it opens your eyes to abuses in other relationships as well.

Making a comment about another person who has let others down, and then later attributing the same characteristic to you.

I have found that covert manipulators will say snarky things about other people in your presence, and then later on--sometimes during the same conversation, will mention that you are the same way. If you're in a covert narcissistic relationship dynamic and you're the victim, you may experience cognitive dissonance and feel uncomfortable. However, you may not catch what is happening.

You may just go away from the conversation feeling poorly. Or you may bring this discomfort and self doubt to the narcissist herself, seeking validation. Then the covert narcissist has you under her control. She can choose to build you up (love bombing) or refuse to meet your dependency need (discarding you). Either way, you're the one who ends up with the deficit. As you heal, you learn to validate yourself and steer clear of this manipulation and control.
 
Yawning or showing body language of disinterest or boredom. 

This implies that you are boring and not worth listening to. If you have empathy, you will relate with the person and shut down your conversation. It is a subtle hint that what you have to say is not important. I understand tired, but if you're sharing your heart in a deep way and someone yawns or acts bored, you're sharing with the wrong person. This person could be covertly trying to insinuate that you don't matter. The opposite is true. Your feelings matter a great deal and what you have to say is very important and meaningful.

Don't fall for this ruse and think you don't matter. Validate yourself and remind yourself that the problem is with the apathetic, toxic person, not you. The person who is tuning you out and giving vibes that you're not worth hearing has an issue with you. He feels that you ARE TOO important, and therefore he needs to bring you down a notch. Combat this tactic with internal validation and affirmations such as, "MY FEELINGS MATTER. I AM WORTHY OF BEING HEARD. THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO WILL LISTEN TO ME INTENTLY."

Making negative comments about themselves that could potentially be an issue or soft spot for you.

Beware of someone who degrades himself or herself to you. This almost always has a covert, underlining purpose. A toxic person will actually comment negatively about himself or herself in order to get you on the same bandwagon about yourself. We are wired to connect and mirror one another. If you're not careful, you can go into a spiral about how bad you are based on someone else's comment they've made about themselves. You have to stay aware and validate yourself against such comments. I also try to say something to stop it if possible, though this one is hard to detect.

Overcoming this tactic is about recovering from codependency. This is about creating space inside your own psyche that allows other people to have their issues without enmeshing and merging your feelings about yourself with their opinion of themselves. However, when the toxic person pushes your buttons by bringing up things that truly bother you about yourself, it's difficult to separate yourself from their stinging comments. It feels uncomfortable. Trust your intuition.

Telling you the negative things that someone else says about you.

There is a time when it's important for you to know that another friend is being two-faced. But when you have a so-called friend telling you detailed accounts of the negative things that someone else has said about you, you are encroaching upon abuse. This is not okay. Do not tolerate anyone telling you the negative things someone else says or is saying. Just shut it up. You don't need to know! This is about that toxic person, not you. Set a boundary. Hang up the phone. Leave the conversation. This is a red flag. No true friend would wax on about negative comments made about you. Good friends want to lift you up and make you feel amazing, not tear you down and make you feel worthless.

Figuring out what your weaknesses are, and then sharing their strengths which are your weaknesses. 

A toxic person may interrogate you, question you to find out personal information about you. If you are a trusting and empathetic person without good boundaries, you may be inclined to share too much information with someone you don't know well enough to trust. People take time to unfold. You may end up giving personal information about what bothers you to someone too early in the relationship, before you find out that this person is dangerous. When you do this by accident or unconsciously or consciously, the toxic person uses this information against you by bragging about their own thin body, great career, loving relationship or close bond with their siblings. The toxic person uses your weaknesses to further pull you down and make you feel insecure about your own self doubts by playing up their superiority.

It's okay for people to be proud of themselves. It's okay for people to share about their accomplishments and good attributes. This is healthy, and it's good for you to be able to validate in your relationships and give credit where credit is due, HOWEVER, if there is a weird pattern going on of them bringing up specific things that bother you about yourself but that they excel, then you can tell you're dealing with someone who is toxic. Toxic people will purposefully say things to make you feel less-than them because they feel so worthless themselves, they can't afford for you to have an ounce of affirmation, validation or connection.

Becoming your advisor on an area in which you are lacking and they're succeeding, without you asking for any advice. 

I am single, so it's irritating to me when a married woman sits down with me and tries to become my advisor for catching a man. This is super toxic! People who are harmful to you assume that you need advice, without finding out anything about you. They have a need to appear superior to you and feel that they need to take the one-up role of advisor. You know these people are toxic because they never share their own vulnerabilities. They act like their lives are perfect. You can catch these types in lies if you're skilled. They put on a mask of perfection, while giving you advice to "help" you in an area in which they feel you feel you are lacking, without even finding out where you're really at and/or what really matters to you.

Reminding you of the time they let you down.

A covert narcissist takes pleasure in your pain. Your pain is the narcissist gain. A toxic person gets a thrill out of harming you and hurting your feelings. Why? Because it makes them feel superior, and if you're being controlled and manipulated by them, then it makes you feel like shit, which is a double win for the toxic personality type. This poisonous person likes to remind you in subtle ways of the time they let you down, almost as if to rub your face in it. They mention it in casual conversation... It's very difficult to detect this one, but it happens and it is there. These little digs are like hammers nailing you lower and lower, taking your dignity down with it.

Reminding you of how ____ you are.

This is a hard one to recognize too, especially if you've been abused by a covert narcissist person or family system (Snake Pit) your entire life. These toxic people are always covertly, slyly reminding you of how annoying you are, ridiculous you are, outlandish you are. Insert your own word for the blank: crazy, selfish, inconsiderate, stupid, needy, suicidal, sensitive, abused, single, depressed, ugly, fat, thin, frail, poor, broke, just about any adjective you can think of. They try to label you and keep you in a role in order to control you and break you down.

CONCLUSION 


These are just a few ways a narcissist stabs you with negative comments. Watch out for these behaviors. If you notice these behaviors, it is a red flag that you're dealing with a covert narcissist. You can go for years and years without realizing that you're dealing with a very toxic person. It is dangerous to stay around such toxic people because it damages your self esteem and keeps you in a downward trajectory, away from your true passions and purposes. Go No Contact with negative people. Keep your distance. Protect your heart and stay safe. You are valuable and you need to be treated with love and respect. Find people who build you up, not tear you down. Good people are out there. Keep growing.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Listening to Your Intuition

INTUITION: The ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning. (Google)

It's vital that you learn to listen to your intuition. Your intuition is your number one defense against abuse from others. Your intuition speaks to you loudly and clearly, but you cannot hear it unless you've been taught to hear it.

You are born with instincts. You are born with an intuition. Along the way, you can lose track of this vital tool that is yourself, that protects and guides you in myriad ways. You are born with feelings. Your intuition IS your feelings. Your feelings tell you exactly where you are at all times, however, many of us are dismantled from our intuition as children in our development.

Reasons We Ignore Our Intuition
  • We are taught that our feelings don't matter.
  • We were fooled into believing the illusion that other people know what is best for us.
  • We continue to act as though our feelings don't matter.
  • We ignore our feelings as unimportant, stupid, crazy, wrong. 
  • We seek out the advice of others because we don't trust ourselves. 
  • We don't want to rock the boat. 
  • We have negative core beliefs about our worth and value.
  • We were invalidated as children and we continue to invalidate ourselves today.
  • We invalidate our gut feelings. 
  • We need love so much, we're willing to abandon ourselves. 
  • We were taught that our intuition is wrong, faulty, incorrect.
  • We were taught to put the feelings of others ahead of our own.
  • We were unplugged from our intuition by people who wanted us to serve their needs.
  • We were taught to disregard our intuition by parents who wanted to control us.
  • We were taught to disregard our intuition by an abusive upbringing.
  • We were taught that our feelings are stupid, shameful and should not exist.
  • We were taught to put the intuition of manipulative people ahead of our own.
  • We were taught by our culture that we should follow the group. 
  • We were taught by the church to think our feelings are bad and that we are sinful.
I am sure there are other reasons why you may have unplugged from your intuition. That's all I can think of right now, and you get my gist. I'm saying that your intuition is like an alarm system, a guidance system rolled into one. Your intuition is who you are and without it, you can't function properly.

Typical Advice to Ignore Your Intuition
  • Get over it. (Total selfish disregard of your need for understanding of your feelings)
  • You're too sensitive. (Gaslighting you in effort to make you question your truth)
  • You're too needy. (Blatantly shaming you for your feelings)
  • It's not about you. (Trying to guilt and shame you for your feelings)
  • I don't know where this is coming from. (Like your feelings are alien)
  • You live in the past. (Like 5 minutes ago when you were bashed, doesn't matter anymore)
  • I don't know what you're talking about. (Gaslighting, denial of truth)
  • Don't cry or I'll give you something to cry about. (Emotional Abuse)
  • I'm sorry you took it that way. (Invalidation of your feelings) 
Reconnecting with Your Inner Truth

Getting in touch with your intuition is about getting in touch with your feelings. This requires work for most of us. Because in the way of getting in touch with your feelings, there may be a lot of grief work that needs to be addressed. You will also need to deal with loads of toxic shame that took the place of your true self as you were being denied a voice.

Your intuition is the backbone of your voice. Your ability to speak up for yourself and set boundaries and limits with others is guided completely by your intuition. You have to learn, or re-learn how to attune to your intuition if you were abused as a child, or treated improperly, or neglected in any way, or if you failed to properly move on to autonomy through your developmental years. You will have to attune to your intuition by knowing your true feelings, and then taking action to protect yourself.

Your intuition is your first line of defense in this world. It will tell you IMMEDIATELY when something or someone is not right for you. Your intuition will protect you from abusive people. It will keep you safe and keep you on the right track; helping you progress to your highest potential.

What I've learned about my intuition throughout my healing journey is to heed it. No matter what, I've learned to go with my intuition above all things I see, hear with my senses. No matter how good something seems, if my intuition is ruffled, I know that the situation is not for me. I've learned to listen to my intuition and set boundaries around myself when my intuition feels a certain way.

When you get to know yourself, you start learning how you feel when things aren't right. You track your experiences, your inner feelings through the mindfulness process. You track what's going on... And you protect yourself by walking away from a situation, or doing a fire drill, bringing out extra security officers (in your head) and really sitting back and slowing down.

Example: I was intrigued by an opportunity to go on a nice trip to Costa Rica with a relatively well known speaker. It was to be a fabulous trip with daily yoga, workshops, site seeing, and a room with an ocean view. I was very interested and seriously considering going on the adventure. However, when I contacted the organization, the woman who served as the intake person was rude, dismissive and arrogant towards me. She was talking down to me and she was unhelpful and unfriendly. I could feel anger welling up in my otherwise peaceful heart. I'd had an amazing day... Yet, this woman's series of emails were getting increasingly disrespectful. She was pressuring me and failing to answer simple questions.

BOOM. That was all the information I needed to know. My intuition told me. STOP. Do Not Go! I realized that I could complain to her superiors. However, I intuitively knew that this was my own heart giving me warning to stay away from this organization altogether. It is my internal guidance system telling me that this is the wrong way to go. Period. I've probably saved myself a lot of grief, disappointment and abuse.

Now, there is a chance that this organization will contact me with niceties and try to start over with me again, however, I will not accept anything from them. My intuition has already given me the warning. I've learned the hard and long way that when I get that gut reaction about something, or involvement with someone, that I need to listen to my heart and STAY AWAY. Even if it means passing up an opportunity for growth, even if it means passing up a relationship, even if it means walking away from someone or something. If my intuition speaks like that--so clearly, I know it's time to walk away and focus on something more fruitful.

What a wonderful gift it is to be cued into your intuition!

What a wonderful gift it is to be able to walk away from anyone, anytime who is disrespectful to me!

What a wonderful gift it is to be myself and follow my own path!

I think this is a valuable lesson. I am learning more every day to stop, feel, listen and take action on my gut reactions, even when I'm being Love Bombed, even when it may seem inappropriate for me to not attend an event. It's valuable that I please myself, and live by my own values and truth. May you do the same.

Affirmations:
  • My feelings matter.
  • My feelings are correct.
  • My feelings deserve consideration.
  • My feelings guide me along my path.
  • My feelings need to be experienced.
  • My feelings need to be considered.
  • My feelings need to be expressed.
  • My feelings are who I am.
  • My feelings serve as a fire alarm for my life.
  • My feelings will never lead me astray.
  • My feelings are right.
  • My feelings are worthy of my trust.
  • My feelings deserve room to exist.
  • My feelings are normal.
  • My feelings are my intuition. 
Your feelings protect you from abuse. Your feelings warn you. Your feelings keep you from being a doormat if you listen to your own heart and take action. Taking action involves first becoming aware of your true feelings, and then validating your own feelings. You have to back yourself up and believe in your own feelings before you can trust your intuition. Your gut feelings will always tell you when someone or something is wrong for you--even if it seems so right. You know the truth--you just need to listen to it.









Saturday, May 13, 2017

The Abandoned Baby Racoon


I rescued a baby racoon today. I was running around the lake prepping for a triathlon near my home in Dallas and there it was. A riveting baby racoon. An abandoned, alone, terrified, petrified, hungry, desperate baby racoon was there in front of me. I didn't know what to do. I videoed it to get advice from my Facebook friends. I was empathetic, yet scared of this wild animal. Why? I don't know. That's not my point.

Anyway, the point I want to make in this post is that this is a baby. All alone in a scary world. All it has is its cute face and adorable noises to get by and survive. I could have been anyone. I could have been a predator. This baby was wide open for harm. No one was there to protect it. It had no shelter. It had no adult racoon by its side. It had no dignity.

All this baby knew is that it needed me. It needed me and it didn't matter. It didn't matter that I'm not a racoon. It didn't matter that I can't raise it and teach it what it needs. It didn't matter. This baby needed love and protection. It came to me, not like a wild animal trained in the wild, but like a breath of life, in need of love and protection. It didn't do anything to deserve to be abandoned.

I was on foot with 4 miles left to go to reach my car. I was in no condition to care for a suckling racoon. I was flabbergasted and aghast by the way people were glancing at it and passing it by. I made some noise. I made a big deal, and finally some cyclists with heart stopped.

The one cyclist who helped the most wasn't afraid of the animal. The baby ran to him as he sat on the ground. He says the baby was looking for milk. He had knowledge of the age by the tongue. He seemed knowledgeable, he was taking control, he was calling help, so I left. I had no power to do anything. The baby was being cared for, that's all that mattered to me.

I was a voice for that baby all alone on the trail. I did my job, and my spirit tells me that baby is more than safe now, even though I don't know how things turned out.

The point of this post is the desperation of this baby racoon. How vulnerable and needy it was. How it needs protection. How it needs love. How this wild animal will come to anything for shelter.

This leaves my heart broken. That this baby racoon will have no mother. Will not get to experience the life it is supposed to live. And here we are on Mother's Day, and I find a baby with no mother.

Profound. I know how this baby feels.



Thursday, May 4, 2017

How to Sink a Love Bomb


Overstimulation / love bombing feels uncomfortable when you're meeting your own needs and operating as a whole self. Only if you think you're missing something will you be led astray and victimized by love bombing. Different love bombers come through depending on your level of self love, your vibration. If you are truly yourself, these intruders become more obvious... and eventually, they are still there always, yet you remain intact.

You set boundaries (internally and externally - physically and energetically) and ultimately, you feel better being yourself. You don't need the escape that the love bomber pretends to offer as they groom you to be their source of narcissistic supply. You see right through their attempt to set you up so they can let you down, or exploit you in some other way.

You grow and you learn that these love bombers tap into your wound, your fantasy place from childhood neglect. They steal away your inner child. Appear to meet the unmet childhood dependency need, however, this is a child's fantasy that can never be fulfilled, therefore, you must grieve the fantasy. They always let you down with the discard phase. So it's important to protect yourself by taking care of yourself emotionally. This means you must GRIEVE the fantasy of getting all your validation needs met externally. Grieving allows you to take the loss and move forward. Grieving helps you to see reality as it really is, not through the eyes of you as a helpless child.

You can nurture yourself. You can save yourself by facing the emotional truth BEFORE you encounter a love bomber. You can count your own losses without having to face it again and again through repetition compulsion. 

Grieve the fantasy to see the truth of this love bombing ideal. As make-believe as a fairy tale, stuffed animal, Santa Clause. Grieve the loss of this idealized fantasy replacement parent in order to see clearly and process, create narrative and attach to healthy others. Awareness is key. Remind yourself. This is a fantasy that can never be fulfilled by anyone and that is sad and painful, but in the words of Pia Melody, "You can handle your own pain." Taking care of yourself, validating yourself and being your own hero helps you withstand the wicked lies of the parasitic love bomber.

The love bomber leaves tell-tell clues that are unique to your individual wound. Learn to recognize the tells of your weakness to others in real time. It takes practice, but it is possible to figure out. Once you are unable to be love-bombed, you are empowered to own your own energy and direct your own life. No one can trick you into drinking their sweet sap that will eventually poison you. You are the winner of yourself. They will deliver one last attempt to penetrate your healthy self defenses, before they're off to find another host/target. They are desperate to feed their insatiable need for superficial superiority. Starve them of the opportunity. Let them sink as you rise!

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Narcissists Try to Hijack Your Agenda

Narcissists try to hijack your agenda. They want their agenda to be your agenda. Their agenda is an illusion that they've created in their own minds that they are greater than, better than you, that they are superior, and you are an underling. You are inferior, lacking and failing to live up to this illusory agenda they've created.

This agenda may be a part of your own agenda. Narcissists are good at picking up your areas of weakness or self-concern, and turning this into their agenda for your life. They figure out what bothers you most, what they have that you don't have, then they shape the conversation to insinuate that you're lacking in the meeting up to the expectations of this pie-in-the-sky agenda that they have for you.

Narcissists that do this are most likely to give unsolicited advice on how to achieve a goal that you're already working on. In an area they know you're heading to achieve already, they will offer advice to help you achieve your existing goals in a way that makes you look inferior and them look superior.

They will offer advice in your area of interest, and this seems quite innocent. However, the advice that they give you is offered in a condescending way, all the while they're bragging to you about their achievements in the same area. This creates a wide hypothetical gap between how you are perceived by yourself compared to this narcissist. The worst thing is, this agenda hijacking is done on purpose, with the intent to one-up you.

It's crucial to look at your relationships and interactions, and to make sure that this is not going on. Having someone hijack your agenda, make you feel less than, make you feel like they are better than you cannot happen. You must look at your engagements from a higher perspective and begin positioning yourself in these situations as an equal person with your own agenda.

Here are a few tips you may want to consider:
  • Shut down unsolicited advice. There is no reason a casual acquaintance should be giving you advice about achieving your goals at happy hour. Please! Happy hour is to be happy and chit chat. If someone starts advising you on who to date, how to get a date, how to get a better job, or how to do your current job better or how to make more money, without you asking for it. Shut them down with a boundary. If they won't stop, leave their presence, ignore them, or move. If they can't seem to stop cutting you down by acting like you're not meeting the expectations of their agenda--you can always leave.
  • Confront the Agenda. You can confront the agenda hijacking plan directly. You can ask them why they're bringing that up? You can ask them if they're doing okay according to the agenda they're implying that you're failing to meet.
  • Bring Your Whole Self to the Table. Remind yourself at all times of your accomplishments. You are likely prey for narcisssists because of childhood conditioning. Your past may have taught you to go one-down in the presence of people who are acting as if they're better than you. The solution is to recognize when this is happening and make better friends. And always remember who you are. Keep a list of your accomplishments, your goals, your plans in your mind at all times. Be prepared to back yourself up with validating self talk when someone starts dishing out unsolicited advice and tries to get you in the net of their agenda.
  •  Interrogate their Weaknesses. When all else fails and you can't walk away from the conversation, try interrogating their weaknesses and reminding them of their flaws in order to divert their attention away from you and onto themselves (where it belongs). This is a form of reverse manipulation that is premeditated on your part. You have to stand back and think:
    • "What would be an upsetting aspect of this person?" or
    • "What do I have that this person doesn't have that I can bring up and remind them about to deflect from this conversation they are trying to have about my weaknesses?"
Examples of how this happened to me:
  • My friend was trying to tell me that I need to be in a relationship.
  • My other friend was trying to give me unsolicited advice about a guy who was interested in me.
  • My friend who was telling me where I need to live. 
  • My family members who set the agenda of my entire life. 
 An agenda is a set of limitations, limiting beliefs that the narcissistic type person places on you by encouraging you to take a path or pursue goals that are already on your agenda. They usurp your own agenda and implant their own agenda. Let's say you're merrily enrolling into the college of your choice, the narcissist with an agenda for you would tell you the college you chose is not as good as another college you should have chosen.

The more a narcissist feels intimidated and threatened by you, the more supply they receive when a wounded codependent person takes on the agenda that is not their own.

These agendas I've noticed have to do with something I don't have yet that they do have. Examples of agendas narcissists trap you in when you are wounded and lacking an I AM include:

  • Your choice of career.
  • Your choice of mate.
  • Your lack of mate.
  • Your lack of financial support.
  • Your lack of children.
  • Your lack of a business.
  • Your lack of time freedom.
  • Your lack of education.
  • Your lack of the proper physical address.
  • Your lack of popularity.
  • Your lack of health and well being.  
  • Your lack of proper English.
  • Or whatever!!!
Whatever they see that you lacking, they will bring it up and create an agenda around it. This agenda is meant to do the following:
  • Ensnare you into their control
  • Build them up
  • Tear you down
  • Make you feel inferior
  • Drain your self esteem 
These narcissists use the overall AGENDA, or ILLUSION of who you should be and what you should have in order to control you, make you feel insecure,  and to gain narcissistic supply. The narcissistic supply comes from you idealizing them for having whatever it is that you are lacking. The narcissistic supply also comes from the pain and confusion they know you're feeling, as well as from their keen ability to dupe you into falling for their tricks.

The AGENDAs of narcissists are a trap. It is a form of manipulation and gaslighting in attempt to drain you of self worth and self esteem. You could be going happily on your way, just fine where you are, then the disordered person makes a suggestion that who yo are and what you are doing is not enough, or somehow triggers one of your own perceived failures. Then, you are easily led down the shame spiral conversation that you suck and they are as good as god.

Narcissists remind you of your flaw and exploit your perceived weaknesses to build themselves up and tear you down. Once they trigger you, they don't stop there, but continue to lead you around by the dog collar through the labyrinth of their agenda for your life. Untangle yourself by being aware, setting boundaries, validating yourself and living to the beat of your own heart.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Narcissists Won't Take Your Side

If you are looking for love, validation and support from the narcissist, you are wise to look elsewhere. The narcissist will reel you in by offering love bombing and doing anything and everything in the world for you, but once they have you--they will not take your side.

Narcissists have a way of being sneaky about the way that they abuse others. Narcissist abuse causes your self esteem, energy and life-force to be drained away from you. They have to use sneaky, abusive tactics because obvious abuse would not get them what they want. Narcissistic Supply.

Narcissistic supply is gained by the narc when you are in pain. THEY LOVE TO SEE YOU IN PAIN. I repeat. THEY LOVE TO SEE YOU IN PAIN.

They love the open Gestalt. They love not fulfilling your needs. They love neglecting you. They love leaving things open and they love you not knowing or realizing what is happening. They love that you come back to them for support time and again, after they have continued invalidate you. 

It is painful to have someone whom you love and trust not take your side. Maybe you can't even pinpoint that they are doing it, but if you get higher up, more in tune with your intuition and more knowledgeable about covert narcissist abuse tactics, you can begin to notice when and how the narc(s) in your life are failing to meet your needs and refusing to take your side.

The narcissist refuses to take your side. If you're in an argument with another person and you go to them for support, the narcissist will not give you any support. You will get nada, zippo, zip. This lack of support is a form of neglect. It is very difficult to pinpoint and it is very harmful to you if you are vulnerable to someone about your own hurt by another person and that person does not affirm you and validate you.

This lack of support and validation is neglect on the part of the narcissist. It is harmful to you and the narc loves to see you harmed. It is a control tactic that the narcissist uses to keep you off-balance. They love for you to be insecure, because insecure people are ripe for abuse. Insecure people are narcissistic supply.

The narcissist does not want to validate you. Granted, you should be strong enough to validate yourself and not need the validation of the narcissist. External validation should be something that is nice to have, but not required for you to feel okay about your own position. You shouldn't need an outside person to give you a stamp of approval as to whether you are right or wrong in an argument with another person. It's just nice to have someone be on your side.

It meets your needs when someone is on your side. Having someone on your side makes you feel like you're supported, protected and helps you have strength to stand up for yourself and feel good about yourself. When a person you love and confide in chooses not to take your side when you're up against a 3rd party, or refuses to validate your position, and instead is invalidating toward you--this is when your self esteem takes a hit. Any time you allow yourself to be invalidated, your self esteem takes a hit. Even if you recognize it. Being in the presence of someone who is invalidating you while you're being vulnerable will have painful repercussions to you. It will decrease your self worth, sense of self and confuse your identity. Stay away from invalidators. Confront people who are being invalidating towards you.

These narcissists can seem to be on your side, but deep down inside, your intuition, your gut tells you that they are not on your side. That you need to do something, say something, work hard to PROVE that you are right and worthy for them to be on your side. Like you're wrong to start out with, and you have to prove your rightness in order to EARN their favor of meeting your need for support and understanding.

This has not only happened to me once, but with numerous narcissists. It's a covert form of abuse. That is, not meeting your needs while acting like they are meeting your needs while you're pushing the rock uphill of trying to get them to believe in you and support you. You're working over time trying to prove yourself to someone who is purposely holding back approval and refusing to meet your needs for support while smiling in your face like a dear friend, husband, family member.

Screw that!

Narcissists won't take your side. Here's a list for you of the ways
  • They say yes, but you can tell by their body language or lack of input that they really don't believe you, respect your side or support you.
  • May say yes, but you can tell by other questions that they ask that they believe you are actually in the wrong.
  • Say things that affirm the position of the person you are in an argument with.
  • Plays dumb. 
  • Ignores you.
  • Becomes distracted.
  • Giggles like you are an idiot child (trying to put you into this role).
  • Rolls eyes like you are stupid.
  • Stonewalls.
  • Changes the subject. 
  • Starts bringing up the finer qualities of the person you're in an argument with.
  • Says, "maybe this is God's way of teaching you a lesson."
  • Shakes head and says, "Girl, you're always fighting with someone."
  • Acts like they don't know enough info to make a determination. 
  • Tells you to hang out with a person who has been abusive to you in the past. 
  • Makes up excuses for the person you're in an argument with. 
Healthy People Have Your Back
It is so easy to take someone's side. This is an easy, empathetic thing to do. A person with a heart will naturally be open to supporting those they love. They will come to their side naturally. It's a normal, natural thing to do, to validate someone's upset whom you care about. Granted, if it's two people you feel strongly for, perhaps you cannot be on one side or the other, but still, you validate the position of the person who is confiding in you about the hurt and pain they've endured or are enduring.

Narcissists love to watch you squirm in this place of "lack of support." They love to see you needing something, and being the one with the power to give it to you or not. They love knowing that withholding this support may cause you doubt yourself (if you are wounded). They love knowing that they are holding the controls of your psyche by not validating you. They love knowing that you need something from them and they are pretending to care about you, but ignoring your needs completely.

Narcissists are intensely jealous / envious of you. They do not want you to have the supplies you need to be happy, fulfilled and supported. They want to keep you from feeling good so they can measure their own well being by your lack of well being. They are sadistic. Happy, good, healthy people want the best for you. They want you to feel supported--and they don't hate you. They believe in you and want the best for you. They feel good about themselves, they don't envy you, they wish you the best, so they can easily stay on your side and be supportive.

Covert Messages in the Lack of Support

It's different than an objective viewpoint. The narcissist doesn't take your side and implies negative connotations about who you are as a person. They do this all the while pretending to be a good supporter--all the while they're conveying these messages covertly:
  • I don't support you.
  • I support the person who has upset you more than I do you.
  • I believe you are wrong.
  • I don't have to give you the support you need and you will still be my friend because you're a peasant.
  • I am superior to you.
  • What you think is wrong.
  • What you feel is wrong.
  • Other people are superior to you.
  • People you argue with are more right than you are.
  • You are in the wrong, but I'm acting like you're in the right.
  • You don't know how to feel.
  • I know how you should feel.
  • You don't know how to determine who is right or wrong.
  • I know more about who is right or wrong than you, even though I have limited info or I wasn't present. 
  • I don't believe in you.
  • You should be ashamed of yourself for having a disagreement with another person.
  • You can't count on me for support.
  • You can't talk to me about your problems with others because I will blame you.
  • You are to blame for the argument.
We all need people to love and support us in our lives. When we are surrounded by narcissists, we are surrounded by people who will not take our side. When someone will not take our side, we are left deficit. A very important need goes unmet.

As a child, when you are raised with a family of narcissists who refuse to take your side, or invalidate you at every turn, you may learn not to take your own side.  This leads you to be weak to other narcissists in the future. This leads you to invalidate yourself and it leads you to seek out validation from others. Validiation you will never get from the narcissists in your life--if that's where you are in your journey.

Validation is on Your Side

You deserve validation!!! 
  • 1st you deserve validation from yourself. 
  • 2nd you deserve validation from those you are in a relationship with.
  • 3rd you deserve to recognize when you're being invalidated.
  • 4th you deserve to set boundaries and limits against invalidation. 
  • 5th you deserve to walk away from anyone who continuously fails to take your side.
  • 6th you deserve to know when you are being covertly abused by manipulative people.
This topic is akin to withholding of approval. In childhood, when a parent withholds approval, it is considered emotional neglect. The failure to meet a primary dependency need of the child. As an adult, we shouldn't NEED approval from others, but we should be naturally drawn to people who actively listen to us, believe in us, support us and take our side against the onslaught of rude, manipulative, hurting people who come into our lives.

When you recognize that you are in the presence of someone who is refusing to validate you, or refusing to take your side... It's hard to explain, but you will know it if it happens repeatedly. Once or twice is okay. I'm talking about a repeated pattern of not taking your side. When this happens, shut it down.

Recognize when people are truly on your side and be thankful for that. Seek people in your life who are validating and who have empathy and truly care about you. Give yourself the gift of positioning yourself in a world where people have your back and aren't stabbing you in it.







Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Become a Patron on Patreon for SelfLoveU YouTube Videos

https://www.patreon.com/selfloveu
Now accepting donations for YouTube Videos!!!

Presently I'm taking donations for YouTube videos on SelfLoveU. Once I get 1,000 patrons/subscribers to my videos, I will start accepting donations for Blog posts.

If I am being paid for my work, the quality will increase.

Please sign up to become a patron on Patreon.
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We have 2 patrons so far. I'm looking for 1000. The content will become outstanding. Lives will be changed, people will be healed, we will reach the next level. Sign-up to pledge $1 for each video I do from now on on YouTube today. You can set a limit to how many you pay for per month.  http://YouTube.com/SelfLoveU

Dumb Things That Offend the Narcissist

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  • A topic that you want to discuss.
  • You having rights. 
  • You feeling confident.
  • You feeling confident to determine what topics to discuss in your relationship.
  • You looking good.
  • Your life being great. 
  • You talking about your accomplishments.
  • You talking about what is important to you.
  • You discussing things you like such as art, intellectual pursuits, your travels.  
  • You discussing your emotions.
  • You sharing details of your life.
  • You having close relationships with others.
  • You enjoying your life. 
  • The way you hold your paint brush.
  • The way you cook dinner. 
  • The way you dress.
  • The way your sweatshirt has big giant lips on it.
  • The way you talk about a certain issue.
  • The way you're on your own path or course. 
  • The way you achieve at work with accolades and promotions. 
  • The way you perceive their manipulative actions as negative.
  • You being a separate person with separate needs.
  • You needing anything from them emotionally.
  • You calling them out on their bad behaviors. 
  • When you let them know you don't like something they do.
  • The way you live your life.
  • Your choice of religion.
  • Your choice of friends.
  • Your choice of jobs, careers, education. 
  • Your need for love, guidance, support. 
  • Your happiness. 
  • Your fulfillment.
  • Your self focus.  
  • You not buying into their agenda of whatever or whomever THEY think you should be. 

Depending on the type of narcissist you are involved with, this blood-sucking vampire may behave or react in the following ways to your "offense."

  • Silent treatment.
  • Gaslighting - Telling you that reality is something that it's not. 
  • Acting emotional, like you've just said the most hurtful thing ever when you said nothing negative to them at all. 
  • Raging 
  • Stonewalling 
  • Stealing your emotional mojo / focus. 
  • Making outrageous accusations. 
  • Give you a guilt trip.
  • Divert the argument.
  • Try to make you feel wrong or bad or ashamed. 
  • Take the side of someone who is against you.
  • Accuse you of doing them harm where no harm was done or intended. 
  • Playing the victim. 
  • Belittle you.
  • Refuse to acknowledge your ideas, or whatever you're discussing.
  • Act as though what you're saying is trivial.
  • Act as though what you're saying is disgusting, ridiculous and offensive. 
  • Monologues 
  • Attacking you.
  • Attacking others who have the same attributes as you.
  • Acting like they don't understand and need endless clarification.
  • Repetitive negative conversation patterns that don't do you any good. 
  • Asking you for something, help, emotional support.
  • Ranting and raving
  • Bringing up negative topics. 
  • Acting out, going on a tailspin, being a hot mess. 
  • Telling you what to talk about.
  • Shaming you for being yourself. 
  • Reminding you of a past mistake when you're at a high point.
  • Reminding you of a past mistake when you're at a low point.
  • Ignoring you.
  • Being distracted while you're talking.
  • Failing to validate your reality by active listening. 
  • Refusing to meet your needs.
  • Sulking.
There are many more things to add to both of these lists. Can you think of more??? 

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Narcissists Play Dumb to Gaslight You

Narcissists pretend like they are victimized by your normal behavior. They act like they are offended by something you say when whatever you said is innocent and harmless. Narcissists act like whatever you said was heinous and highly offensive. They want you to feel that you are wrong and offensive, like you cannot be understood and like your normal ways of being and talking are unacceptable. This is in attempt to control and manipulate you. They take offense in illogical ways to the empath's normal behavior. This is called GASLIGHTING.

It is emotional abuse to act offended to a benign incidence, statement or position of another person. It is called gaslighting and should not be tolerated. The narcissist is trying to make you wrong. Take you away from your truth and get you tied up in their stupidity. It gets you off your track and onto their track. Gaslighting is a covert manipulation tactic.

Narcissists love to act offended over nothing. They love to play the victim. They love to overreact to innocuous statements you make. They love to play dumb so you will spend your precious energy explaining things to them. They love to suck you dry. Don't fall for it. You don't have to explain yourself or prove yourself. Just walk away. Go Gray Rock. 

If someone is so unintelligent, so unaware, so confused that they are offended by your innocent presence, and offended by your innocent attempts to help them, or your innocent attempts at being human and alive, then they are doing that as a way to take you off track. Gaslighting is about trying to argue with the victim about what's really happening, about reality. The victim keeps trying to explain to the manipulative person what reality is, but the victim continues to deny reality and put forth illogical explanations and pretending to be offended, confused, misunderstood. This causes the empath to work overtime and focus on the creepy parasite narcissist who is playing the empath like a fiddle. 

This is how narcissists control you. They pretend that they are hurt by you, that they don't understand you, that you must help them and prove yourself. Meanwhile, you are taken off track, thinking about helping them to understand and not be hurt, rather than focusing on your own life and your own purposes. They want you to keep coming to them for validation of reality. Do not allow them to take you over in this seemingly innocent way. This is the way your self esteem is being leaked out and makes you feel awful. These little micro manipulation tactics add up to huge loss in self esteem and self actualization. 

DON'T FALL FOR GASLIGHTING. Get educated. Become aware. Don't be played.

Monday, March 20, 2017

The Narcissist Seeks to Control Your Solar Plexus

The narcissist goes after the Solar Plexus of a person. He or she tries to circumvent one's self from one's self and onto the narcissist. The narc tries to dominate your sense of I AMness. The narc wants to control you by confusing you about who you are, what you can do, what matters to you. The narc wants you to have an external locus of control instead of an internal locus of control. The narc wants you to look to them for approval, validation as if they are god. Like a parasite, the narcissist wants to exist on your core of love.

He or she will feed you to some extent, until it has you, or unless it has to. Once you are sufficiently discombobulated internally through gas lighting, silent treatment, victimhood, triangulating, raging, chaos, wounding, intermittent reinforcement, lying, put-downs, insults, commands, disrespect, then the narc has you where it wants you: Detached from self and traumatically bonded to the narcissist's control. Objectified. Lost.

The narc wants to control the agenda and make you fall for whatever illusion they're selling about how you should be, what you should think, what you should feel. The manipulator wants you to believe that you are lowly and inferior and that the narc is all knowing, all powerful and highly superior. News Flash: They are full of horse spit.

Your solar plexus is your center of I AM. The narcissist is envious of this life force in you. The narcissist doesn't have a true self, as it's been submerged during their development. The narcissist is a false self that can only thrive by the supply of your true self, the power of which emanates from the Solar Plexus Chakra. Your place of knowing who you are, what you want, what you can do, what you will do. It's your everything and the narcissist wants to take it from you.

If you are wounded in your SP, then you will be easy prey for the narc. If you do not know who you are, the narc will define you for you. If you don't know who you are, you will feel desperate for definition and you will seek and attract those who will balance your sense of powerlessness. Any obstruction of your sense of who you are, of your I AMness, your internal locus of control, causes a loss of self and turns you into a puppet belonging to someone or something else.



You must know who you are. This happens along your healing journey once you've felt all the feelings and eradicated most of your toxic shame. Once you are rooted through the Root Chakra, you can handle your power... the power found in the Solar Plexus Chakra - Manipura.

The narcissist parent does not teach the child about their own power because a child is so flexible and vulnerable. The parent can use the child's power from birth. The child can become conditioned to give away power through their development--that is, conditioned to give up their own sense of being and instead live to please--exert energy on, worship the external source (narcissistic parent). If you were raised in a narc tank, you may have no sense of your own power physically, emotionally or mentally. You may have no sense of a concentration of your own energy but rather experience the opposite--giving your energy away to thieves. Instead of joy and bliss, you experience depression, low self-esteem and psychosomatic health problems.

It's traumatic to be disconnected from your true power.

If you're maligned in your solar plexus, your self energy becomes focused outward, on needing validation from others (dis-empowering), instead of coming from within--validating the self. (empowering). This is messed up. A whole self comes from within and experiences the world with the five senses--as well as a spiritual component. All this gets stolen when you are wired to care more about what others think than you care about yourself. Your identity becomes enmeshed with someone outside and you can never become a full, whole and complete individual.

But wait! There's hope. You can ignite your own flame and experience your own power.

A way to get in touch with this power is through meditations on the Solar Plexus Chakra. Meditations that refute the inner lie that says you do not exist, that you have no right to exist, or that your existence is futile, useless, worthless, unlovable. Meditations that stand firm in who you are--who YOU really are.

Who you are.
What you will do.
That you can do it.
That you exist.
That you have a right to exist.

If these very simple understandings were not conveyed to you as a child, then you become stuck in a psychological development stage that is codependent. You must complete the developmental process on your own as an adult using your healthy adult voice, mindfulness, awareness, meditation, affirmations, refuting the negative lies, reparenting yourself.

I will.
I can.
I am.

Daily reminders to yourself of who you are, that you are worthy, that you are confident, healthy, capable, successful, strong, powerful.

All this must be coupled with your own self expansion in every area. You must begin to allow yourself to be who you are according to your senses. Smell, taste, touch, sight... Your physical body must be attuned to, heeded, experienced. You must begin to follow the leadings of your deep intuition and start doing things for YOURSELF that are from your I AM. Whatever those things may be. Wherever those things take you. You have to start living from your I AM and reclaim--perhaps for the first time--your Solar Plexus. Your place of self will, determination, power and existence.

You must protect yourself and the only way to do this is to understand your power. It's like lighting the flame inside your heart. The flame of knowing, understanding who you are and what you're capable of doing, being, becoming. WHO YOU ARE.

You must protect yourself from manipulative people who want to control you and exploit you  and use you for their benefit. They would love to get you into a place of submission. They will use their arrogant, shape-shifting ways to fool you into blowing out your own inner candle.  They will do anything they can think of to knock you down so that you stop existing in your power and bow down to worship them.

If you are in your power you cannot be fooled. You can't be moved. You are strong in who you are, what you want and what you're capable of doing, being and becoming. The narc can't get past you when you stand in your own power and are certain of your own right to exist. You become a repellent to those who would abuse you. You overcome the negativity of others. You realize the value of who you are and this is a show stopper for the narcissist. Light the fire of your I AM.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Narcissistic Expectations: The Audience Member

I am binge watching this channel. Love her stuff. She's so intelligent. I am learning the same things she is and it's astounding. Thank you, @PermissiontoExist



Friday, January 27, 2017

Voice from Within


There is a voice inside you, under the shame that is constantly, eternally, continuously and always saying things like this to yourself:

I love you.
You're so great.
You're such a blessing.
I'm so glad you're here.
You're so funny.
You're doing so good.

Little sentences like this are being repeated constantly in the heart of your true self to yourself. It is like an internal wellspring of love, peace and well being. It is always flowing. It is the real you.

This voice can be covered by shame. It can be covered by lies. That's why it is so important for us to do the heavy work of overcoming our shame and grieving our losses so we can be free to experience the warmth of love that is continually flowing from within. God within. Your higher self loves you.


Tuesday, January 24, 2017

You Earn Respect

You cannot tell someone you love, "you must start respecting me." Respect is earned by your actions. The way you allow others to treat you gauges how much they respect you, whether it be a friend, spouse, lover or family member. It's how you allow yourself to be treated that garners the respect of others. If you let others treat you in disrespectful ways, then they will disrespect you. That's how relationships work.

And it's okay to be respected. You have to HOLD the respect that you earn. You have to get used to being respected because it may feel weird at first.. It may feel weird in a variety of ways for the rest of your life as you grow stronger and stronger. It's a better feeling than being dissed.

***You can't be mad at yourself for not respecting yourself either. This is in itself disrespect to yourself. You have to honor wherever you are and be super-nice to yourself even when you're being disrespected. This is crucial. You can't carry the shame of the disrespectful person. You have to let their shame go. They are the ones who are treating you badly. Let them feel bad for themselves. It is not your fault they're being an asshole.***

You earn respect. Respect is earned. You go to work, then you EARN a paycheck. If you take care of yourself, set boundaries and walk away from bullshit, you will earn self respect and the respect of others. Earning respect is about refusing to give to anyone who is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated. You deserve the best. You deserve to be honored, cherished and valued.

If someone in your life is not honoring you, cherishing you and valuing you, and you continue to maintain the relationship as is, this could be because of a few reasons:

1. You feel worthless so you feel that you have to give an unequal amount to another person in order to be loved.

2. You are codependent, merged, stuck, addicted to another person because you do not know what is emotionally yours and what is not yours.

3. You don't have a sense of self and you don't realize they're being abusive or disrespectful towards you because you're not in touch with your intuition.

4. You don't have the relationship skills to set boundaries.

5. You are being totally controlled by a narcissistic family system.

6. You are afraid of being by yourself if you walk away from a chronically disrespectful person.

7. You take the blame for everything and internalize their disrespect, thinking you deserve it.

Well, you have to work on all these things if you want to gain the respect of yourself and those around you. As you require respect from those around you, you will begin to respect yourself more and more. You begin to earn your own power, perhaps for the first time. And you get stronger and stronger.

So the key is to get to the place where everyone in your life treats you with great respect. Where people make you feel welcome, are glad you are alive and who care about your feelings. Your job on this planet is to learn to be respected. You've got to earn the respect of those around you.

Ways to Earn Respect

- Refuse to engage with people who are rude to you.

- Make requests for things when appropriate.

- Make sure your voice is heard.

- Speak up when things are bugging you.

- Look people in the eye.

- Feel good about yourself.

- Set boundaries.

- Know what you want.

- Ask for what you want.

- Refuse to be controlled and manipulated.

- Stand your ground.

- Don't give in.

- Consider your own interests first.

These are just a few thoughts on respect. I'm really thinking about this and making adjustments in my life to reflect the utmost respect for myself. It's incredible.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

HIGHER LEVEL RELATIONSHIPS


There comes a point when you're aware of all the manipulations of the narcissist and other disordered people and you know who to let in and you know who to keep out. You know your own feelings because you've learned to be in touch with them and not run from them or drown them in addictions. You whittle away all the "family and friends" who treat you as less-than-worthy. You go no contact with people who are abusive quickly, more fully. Step-by-painful-step, you learn to steer away from new friendships and romantic relationships that have warning signs. You get down to the bone.
You get beyond all the manipulations and abuses that you formerly allowed to get past your lack of boundaries. You protect yourself from abusive others. You win. You spend some time alone. Along this healing journey, you learn to cherish being alone, knowing that you're no longer being hurt, rejected or repeatedly disrespected. You get alone and you get happier.

Then you take steps to get out there into the sunlight of relationships again, meet new people, venture out, make the effort, then you go through this path of meeting people, then figuring out where they're harming you, closing the door, healing, going out, meeting new people, and you rise. You shed a lot of friends. You close a lot of doors. You open new doors only to close them when you see the truth of how they hurt you in the places where your own boundary holes exist. You heal to a higher level of self love, and the quality of people in your life becomes better and better.

And these new people in your life, at the center of self love are loving towards you and kind. They treat you like you're welcome, not like you're worthless. They respect your boundaries. They love who you are. They appreciate you, compliment you and treat you like a jewel. They don't envy you; they want to see you be the best you can be in every way.

A few people are in-between, but you learn to go with this flow, and only let certain people in so far. Only if they're safe. You go slowly. You run your own self by your intuition.

At first, being down to this core level of self-love relationships with others, you may feel uncomfortable. After all, you're not used to this at all--but you know you can't go back to crazy making, gas lighting, boundary busting, flying monkeys. You see them and they're no longer able to hook you. You also cannot happily be alone, because you're hardwired for relationships.

So there you are.

Feeling strange to be around people who actually care about you unconditionally because you are you.

Feeling strange to be complimented and given kudos for just being you.

Feeling strange to talk to a friend just as a friend, and not as their narcissistic supply, echo or mirror.

Feeling strange to relate one-to-one with another being at this higher level of consciousness that you hold.

Feeling strange not to feel the need to prove yourself.

Feeling strange being honest and real.

Feeling strange that you're not worshiping an image.

Feeling strange to notice weaknesses and to experience your own vulnerability.

Feeling strange to be afraid of intimacy and closeness since it's not been available in that lower-level mess of people in your life before.

And you go through that strangeness. Like exercising for the first time, or eating healthy, you learn to relate healthily, love truthfully. Loving people for their own sakes, not for what they give you or you give to them, but for who they are.

There is a point where you get beyond the abuse and down to the core of who you are and then you grow and build bad ass friendships and incredible relationships with people that are equal and mutually satisfying.

There is no shame in this. There is no shame in going through people and protecting yourself. There is no shame that you had to learn the hard way. There is no shame that you didn't know everything but had to go through stuff to learn the truth about love and relationships. No shame at all to say goodbye to hurtful others and be awkward for a while with new, nice sweet people who truly care about you. No shame for not having this all along.

It's okay to be right where you are. It takes as long as it takes. You can start anywhere at any time.

It doesn't feel normal at first, but if you stick with it. Stay away from the bad ones and migrate towards the good ones, eventually, that will be all you know. And you will continue to grow.
Jenna